Once a Pun a Time
Copyright (c) 1989 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KING FREDDIE FORRADAYE
NARRATOR
SIR TENLEY KNOTT
PRINCESS PRINCESS FORRADAYE
COUNT TOOTENN
SIR COOM FRRANCE OF SIRKL
SQUIRE
JESTER
WANDERER
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
5 men, 1 woman, 3 either gender
The kingdom of Pundon is filled with knights, kings, princesses, dragons, bad jokes, and the like. This (isn't quite) a story you've heard countless times.
COUNT
(Bowing)
Your majesty, the new Champion is outside.
KING
Well, you can at least let him in the castle. It’s cold out there.
COUNT
No, I mean he’s out in the hall right now.
KING
Oh.
(To SQUIRE)
And what of you, young man?
SQUIRE
(Bowing)
I just stopped by to say “Hello.”
KING
Well, that’s a good lad.
SQUIRE
Hello.
(He rushes out)
COUNT
Strange kid, eh?
KING
Yes, but I’m learning to like him.
COUNT
About the knight, sire…
KING
Night? Oh yes, it is getting dark. What say we all take in dinner and a show?
COUNT
No, the knight waiting in the hall.
(Paces impatiently)
KING
He can come with us.
COUNT
No, no, no! I mean our new Champion-knight who needs to meet you so he can receive his new title.
KING
He just got the title of Champion-knight! Why does he need a new one?
COUNT
He doesn’t officially have that title until you give it to him! He needs you to proclaim him Champion-knight before he can become one!
KING
You’re talking in circles, Count Tootenn. In fact, you’re walking in circles.
COUNT
(Stops pacing)
May I show him in now, sire?
KING
Sure, sure. You could’ve done it five minutes ago instead of rambling. Show him in.
COUNT
(With arm extended toward door, like a ring announcer)
And now, the winner and new Champeen knight…
(Dramatic pause)
Sir Tenley Knott!
(TENLEY enters, the essence of a majestic knight. A shining helmet, a beautiful flowing cloak, shimmering armor, and a great, wonderful sword inside a golden scabbard, which he trips over as he tries to kneel before the KING, and he falls on his face. COUNT tries to hold in laughter but fails)
NARRATOR
(To TENLEY)
Hey! I remember you! Weren’t you the one, at the beginning of the tournament, who raised his sword above his head like a samurai…
TENLEY
Great move, wasn’t it?
NARRATOR
(Continuing)
…and froze that way for five minutes, allowing me to beat the living tar out of you?
TENLEY
Well… that move worked much better throughout the rest of the tournament.
KING
Were you afraid at all?
TENLEY
(Finally getting up)
Only that Sir Kustent wouldn’t beat the squire in the last round. I’m glad he did. I’d never beat the squire.
KING
So who’s the Champion, Sir Kustent or the squire?
COUNT
Neither, sire.
(Pointing at TENLEY)
He is.
