The Nature of Time
Copyright © 2005 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CHARACTERS
FATHER TIME
MOTHER EARTH
MOTHER NATURE
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
1 man, 2 women
While Father Time attempts to make a nice anniversary dinner for his wife, Mother Nature, ex-wife Mother Earth arrives to complicate things.
EARTH
(Looking around)
I take it she’s not here?
TIME
Huh? Oh, no, she’s not home yet.
EARTH
So who’s cooking?
TIME
I am.
EARTH
But you burn everything.
TIME
I do not.
EARTH
Yes, you do.
TIME
(Indicates salad)
I didn’t burn this.
EARTH
Wow, an unburned salad. That’s at least the second time you’ve managed that.
(There is a pause)
TIME
(After a beat)
Third.
EARTH
Oh, the third. I applaud your ability to learn things after so many millennia.
TIME
Thank you.
EARTH
But one of the things you haven’t been able to learn – and one of the things you seem to forget since I’ve told you so many times – you can’t use an hourglass for an oven timer.
TIME
That hourglass is the most accurate timepiece ever created. I have always relied on it to plan everything.
EARTH
Yes, and you’re an amazing planner. You can get anything to happen exactly when you want it, if you plan far enough ahead. No one since the beginning of… well, you… has been better. But you’ve always been a little sloppy when you deal with smaller units of time.
TIME
What?
EARTH
And you seem to have slipped a bit more in the past few centuries.
TIME
Oh, that’s ridiculous. My accuracy is beyond reproach. Why, you could set your watch to me. Most people do.
EARTH
I’ve noticed a lot of New Year’s countdowns lately where they’ve had to add an extra second onto the end of the year to make up for some kind of error someone made.
(Another pause)
TIME
(After pause)
Okay, so maybe my hourglass has needed a little extra maintenance lately. It’s this new sand they’re using. It flows through too fast.
EARTH
Don’t blame the Sandmen if you’re slacking off.
TIME
I’m not blaming them. Just their product. Why’d they have to change it?
EARTH
Because no one uses hourglasses anymore. Well, except for the little ones they put inside party game boxes. You know, the ones where you have to draw a picture or guess a word before time runs out?
TIME
A gross misuse of my services, if you ask me.
EARTH
The Sandmen are better served refining their sand for its intended purpose. And it’s still accurate. You just need more up-to-date equipment.
TIME
But I like this old thing.
EARTH
Just go buy a digital watch.
TIME
I don’t trust those things.
EARTH
Then get a stopwatch. An egg timer. Anything.
TIME
Look, don’t you have somewhere to be? A quake somewhere, maybe? Perhaps terrorizing a city with a volcanic eruption?
EARTH
Oh, if I have to quake or erupt, you’ll know about it.
TIME
I’m all too aware.
EARTH
(Hands him a sealed envelope)
I just came by to deliver this to your… lovely wife.
TIME
What is it?
EARTH
Oh, just paperwork on the forest zoning issue.
TIME
(Putting the envelope on the table)
Oh? Good news, I hope.
