In-Laws Roasting on an Open Fire
Copyright © 2003 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CHARACTERS
JED BONDERMAN – male, mid-20’s
SHERRY BONDERMAN – female, mid-20’s
CARL BONDERMAN – male, late 20’s
MARTHA BONDERMAN – female, late 50’s
TONY BONDERMAN – male, late 50’s or early 60’s
KAY LITHIT – female, mid-to-late 50’s
LOU LITHIT – male, early 60’s
DR. IRA MILLER – male, early-to-mid 30’s
VERONICA DUNCAN – female, early-to-mid 20’s
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
5 men, 3 women
What was supposed to be a quiet family Christmas party becomes a stressful sleepover when a blizzard snows everyone in.
SHERRY
(Seeing KAY for the first time)
Mother!
(She hugs her)
I’m so glad you could make it.
(JED sneaks off into the bedroom)
KAY
If only barely. I nearly got into three accidents on the way.
SHERRY
At least you’re here safely.
KAY
Who else is here?
SHERRY
Just Jed’s mother. His father and brother will be back shortly.
KAY
Is he here?
SHERRY
Who?
KAY
You know who.
SHERRY
Oh, Dad?
(KAY nods)
No, he’s not here yet.
KAY
(With slight bitterness)
It would be a shame if he and Candy were to slide into a snow bank on the way here and be trapped in the car until spring.
SHERRY
Mother!
KAY
Well, it would be. When are they supposed to be here?
SHERRY
Any time now. Dinner’s almost ready.
KAY
Good. I won’t have to look at her for long.
SHERRY
Actually, Dad’s coming alone.
KAY
Oh? Did Candy have math homework or something?
SHERRY
Candace is in Europe until February.
KAY
Is she? So she’s backpacking across Europe like all the other kids? Good for her!
(JED peeks his head around the corner and tries to get to the kitchen without being seen)
SHERRY
Mother, will you stop? You know she’s a photographer for a travel magazine. She’s not a high school or college student.
KAY
She’s young enough to be.
SHERRY
She’s 31.
KAY
A year younger than your brother.
(JED gets to the kitchen door)
SHERRY
(To JED, without looking at him)
Jed, don’t forget to finish setting the wineglasses.
JED
That’s what I was about to do.
(He exits into the kitchen, quickly)
SHERRY
(Trying to make KAY smile)
It’s so hard to find good help these days.
(KAY walks away in frustration)
SHERRY (Cont’d)
Mom, I know it’s difficult for you. But you two haven’t been married in almost ten years. You knew he might get married again.
KAY
I know, I know. But why her? Wait, don’t answer that. We both know why. He’s always been a breast man.
SHERRY
I’m all too aware.
KAY
It’s why I divorced him in the first place. There were far too many breasts in my house. Of course, the last straw was when he brought those twins home and thought I wouldn’t notice…
SHERRY
Mom, please don’t remind me. I’m having a hard enough time repressing that memory as it is.
KAY
I’m sorry.
SHERRY
It’s okay. So can I trust you to be sociable?
KAY
Me? Always. When have you known me not to be?
SHERRY
I’m just making sure.
(JED returns with more wineglasses)
KAY
Can’t you hurry that up, Jed? The table should be set before dinner.
JED
(Setting the glasses)
I’m almost done. Dinner won’t be ready for a few minutes. I have time.
KAY
Where are the napkins?
(JED looks at the table)
JED
(Realizes she’s right)
Napkins! Okay, I’ll get those. Then I’ll be done.
SHERRY
With the table, yes. But you’ve still got to get changed.
JED
Changed? Why?
SHERRY
Is that what you’re wearing?
JED
Why not?
SHERRY
Because it’s all wrong! What happened to that snowflake sweater I got you?
JED
I don’t know. It’s probably in the drawer with all the other sweaters.
SHERRY
Go put it on.
JED
Oh come on…
SHERRY
Jed, put it on.
JED
(Sighs)
Now, or after I get the napkins?
SHERRY
After the napkins.
JED
(Sarcastically, with a bow)
Yes, m’lady! As you wish!
