In Case You're Fired, Break Glass
© 2003 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CHARACTERS
JOHN - male, 50+
STEVE - male, 20's or 30's
AMANDA - female, 25-50
DAN - male, 20's or 30's
BRENDA - female, 40-60
HERMAN - male, 30-60
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
4 men, 2 women
After a corporate merger, everyone needs to be acquainted with the new rules of the office. Just be sure you got the correct memo.
JOHN
(Finishing his speech)
… and that’s why we won’t be using the monkeys in this building. Now, on to emergency plans…
(HERMAN raises his hand, and this time JOHN sees him)
Yes, uh, Herman? I wasn’t expecting to see you here.
HERMAN
Really? I got the email that said to come to this meeting…
JOHN
Oh, that’s what happened. I’m sorry, Human Resources must’ve sent you the wrong email. You were supposed to get the one telling you that you were let go. Sorry about the mix-up.
(He turns back to his charts, concentrating on one that shows the building’s escape routes. HERMAN tries to object, but the words won’t come. He turns to each of the others, but they try to nonchalantly avoid eye contact. Finally, HERMAN gives up and dejectedly exits. During all this, JOHN continues)
JOHN (Cont’d)
Now, turning to our emergency contingency plans, we’ll see the paths to the nearest exit. The front door is here, with side doors here and here that you can use if they’re closer. So, if there is an emergency situation, such as a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, bomb threat or hostage crisis, you must all walk to the nearest exit quietly, calmly and quickly and make sure the door is locked behind you.
(BRENDA raises her hand)
Yes?
BRENDA
You mean the last one out has to lock the door?
JOHN
No, that’s not what I mean.
BRENDA
Good, because it seemed rather silly.
JOHN
No, no… Everyone must make sure the door is locked when they leave.
DAN
Everyone? You mean each person individually?
JOHN
Yes.
DAN
But we don’t all have keys.
JOHN
Then find someone with a key.
STEVE
What if they’re trapped by the fire? Or what if they’re one of the hostages?
JOHN
Then you’d better go and get them.
STEVE
Yeah. I’m sure I’d get right on that.
AMANDA
Um, excuse me? You mentioned a flood…
JOHN
Yes.
AMANDA
What if the flood is over a story deep? Do we still have to go out the front door?
STEVE
Yeah, and do we still need to make sure it’s locked?
JOHN
Well, no, obviously…
AMANDA
Well that’s a relief.
JOHN
I mean, you still have these two side doors you could use, so the front door isn’t your only option. But whichever you choose, yes, you still have to make sure they’re locked.
AMANDA
But the flood…
JOHN
It’s departmental procedure.
AMANDA
But I can’t swim.
JOHN
You can take a class, can’t you?
AMANDA
Will the company pay for the class?
JOHN
No, I don’t think so.
BRENDA
Doesn’t surprise me. I know the way the Accounting Department thinks.
DAN
This is unbelievable.
JOHN
I didn’t make this up, guys. I’m just delivering the information.
