Finding Mr. (Joseph) Right
© 2004 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
Characters
MARY – female, early 20s
FEENY – female, early to mid 20s
TOBEY – male, early 20s
HENRY – male, 50s
GWEN – female, 50s
JOE – male, mid to late 20s
Synopsis
Comedy
3 men, 3 women
Because of a family tradition, Mary is being pressured by her parents to find a husband named Joseph. Can she find happiness when most of the men she meets aren't right for her to begin with?
MARY
Are you okay?
TOBEY
(After another pause)
That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!
MARY
Now you know why I never told you.
TOBEY
Are you telling me you can’t date me because… because of my name?
MARY
Well, in a nutshell, yeah.
TOBEY
So you’re saying… that it’s not that I’m not rich enough, or nice enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough, but because I’m not… Joe enough?
MARY
I know it’s unexpected…
TOBEY
Unexpected? Winning the lottery is “unexpected.” Being run over by a bus on a deserted street is “unexpected.” Hell, being run over by a bus on the 10th floor of an office building is “unexpected.” This is just… weird.
MARY
I’m sorry about this. Really.
TOBEY
I do have to hand it to you, though. You were right. It wasn’t a cliché.
MARY
I wish there was something I could do for you.
TOBEY
Well, you could start by finding me a loophole that at least makes you think of a legitimate reason before you turn me down.
MARY
Hey! I know it’s different but trust me, in my family it’s a legitimate reason! They are so adamant about it –
TOBEY
Okay, I’m sorry. It’s just that… I don’t know… What if I got my name legally changed? Then I could be Joe or Joseph or whatever you want!
MARY
That wouldn’t work. They’re expecting someone who’s always been named Joseph.
TOBEY
So we don’t tell them! I can pretend! We can even get a phony birth certificate made up. Oh, wait… Don’t tell me they’d actually have the validity of it checked.
MARY
No, but Tobey, my parents already know you.
TOBEY
We’ll just tell them that Tobey’s just a nickname.
MARY
For Joseph?
TOBEY
I’m sure in some circles…
MARY
Tobey, you’re sweet and wonderful and a great fr—
TOBEY
(Quickly)
Hey, hey, hey! You promised not to use the “F” word.
MARY
You’re a great person, then. You’ll find a girl you deserve.
TOBEY
Just not you.
MARY
Aw, come on. Don’t be so down. There are a lot of girls to choose from.
TOBEY
Don’t start the clichés again.
MARY
Okay, then I’ll repeat a question I asked before. Why not ask out that Feeny girl?
TOBEY
The waitress?
MARY
Yes! She seems nice and has a lot going for her physically.
TOBEY
Were you checking her out?
MARY
No, no… No! But I notice things. And who knows? You two may really hit it off.
TOBEY
I don’t know.
MARY
The worst she can do is say “no,” right?
(FEENY enters and begins to wipe down another table with a rag)
TOBEY
No, the worst she can do is say, “no, I’m waiting for a guy named Horace.” I’m sure as hell not changing my name to Horace.
MARY
(Seeing FEENY)
There she is. Go on. Just ask her.
(FEENY’s back is to them at this point)
TOBEY
(Looking)
She… she seems busy. I’d better let her do her job.
MARY
Are you going to ask her out, or just sit there looking at her butt?
TOBEY
I wasn’t looking at it…
MARY
Then go!
TOBEY
But I –
MARY
Don’t make me do it for you.
TOBEY
Why not? That would be easier.
MARY
Uh, no. I don’t mean like passing notes in 8th grade. I mean dragging your ass over to where hers is, saying “excuse me, but my friend here wants to ask you something,” then coming right back here and sitting down while you sweat it out over there. Now go!
