Baiting the Master
Copyright © 2003 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CHARACTERS
JIM BOB
CLEM
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
2 men
Four-time National Fishing Champion Jim Bob MacDougle is looking to win the Southeast Regionals for the sixth year running. But one of his competitors may not be as dumb as he appears.
JIM BOB
(Begrudgingly leans over to shake his hand)
Well, it’s always good to meet a fan, Mister…?
CLEM
(Shaking his hand vigorously)
Aw, no need to call me “mister.” No, sir. Just Clem. Well, Clem Billy Joe Bob Danny Franklin Jay Lee. No r’lation ta Robert E., a’course.
JIM BOB
Of course. Well, it’s nice meetin’ you.
(He starts to turn away)
CLEM
I cain’t believe yer here! Right here at the Southeast Regionals!
JIM BOB
I’m always in this tournament. You gotta win it to get to the Nationals. I’ve won this here tourney the last five years runnin’.
CLEM
Oh, yeah! I should’a know’d that! Yer National Champ four of the past five years!
JIM BOB
That’s right. Now, if you’ll --
CLEM
-- It was a damn shame what they did to you two years ago. Ya should’a won that one, too.
JIM BOB
Yeah, well, ya can’t win ‘em all.
CLEM
Naw, maybe I cain’t, but I think you can!
JIM BOB
Thanks. Now, I need to get --
CLEM
-- This here’s my first national compa… eh, what’s that word?
JIM BOB
Competition?
CLEM
Yeah! One a’ those. Came up from Mississippi. Outside’a Jackson, ak’shilly. ‘Course, I say, “the hell with Jack’s son, I wanna know ‘bout Jack’s daughter!” Am I right?
(Laughs)
Just a li’l joke we got down there. Well, by “we” I mean “me.” Folks don’t laugh at that one so much no more.
JIM BOB
Maybe you need a new joke.
CLEM
Hey, there, that’s a good ‘un!
JIM BOB
Yeah, well --
CLEM
I didn’t come by m’self, a’course.
(Points toward shore)
Right over there’s my wife, sister and cousin.
JIM BOB
(Looking)
Where? I only see one woman standin’ over there.
CLEM
Yeah, she’s real purty ain’t she?
(Calling to her)
Hey Lerline! Look who I’m talkin’ to! Jim Bob MacDougle hisself!
JIM BOB
Shh! You’re gonna scare the fish!
CLEM
(Lowering his voice)
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
JIM BOB
Thank you.
(He gets back to finishing his preparations)
CLEM
(Full voice again)
Now, Lerline, you know, the li’l lady over there? She’s a great gal. We’ve got the same daddy, but her momma’s my daddy’s least favorite sister. That’s why they only fooled ‘round just the one time. Now, my momma --
JIM BOB
-- I really don’t want to hear about your family history. Really. Now, I’m sure your momma was a great woman, just like your wife-slash-cousin-slash-sister over there…
(Squints toward shore)
Wait a minute. How many eyes does she have?
CLEM
Just the two.
(Looks)
Oh, you can see her extra eye socket. Yeah, she was born with three of those.
(Shouting toward shore)
Hey, Lerline! Your socket’s showin’ again!
(To JIM BOB)
She usually just has it covered by her hair.
JIM BOB
Lovely.
(He casts his line. The hook lands with a plop, somewhere offstage. CLEM reaches back to cast his, but again stops as he sees JIM BOB’s tackle box)
CLEM
Say now, that is one mighty fine tackle box ya got there.
JIM BOB
(Trying not to be distracted)
Thank you.
CLEM
That must’a cost ya a purty penny.
JIM BOB
Yeah, it did.
CLEM
What kinda lures ya got in’nair? Bet ya got that Troutbuster 9000 you used a couple years ago, right? Hey, what kinda bait you usin’? I once found this stuff back home that… Aw, hell, why am I tellin’ you this? You’ve prob’ly heard’a every kinda bait an’ tackle out there. You are the master, after all. Master of all fish, great an’ small, an’ all lures an’ bait an’…
(Something occurs to him)
Hey! I guess that makes you a Master Baiter! I like the sound’a that. The Master Baiter…
JIM BOB
You really don’t need to put it that way.
