...a conscious choice
© 2005 by Edward J. Thomas, all rights reserved
CHARACTERS
KEITH BELLINI
RICHARD “HAPPY” MCMAHON
HEATHER O’SENTENAL
ROY WATERSTON
NONNA
CENSUS TAKER
SYNOPSIS
Comedy
3 men, 2 women, 1 either sex
Keith has never dated, nor been attracted to anyone. He finds out why when he's confronted by a census taker asking him to "make his choice," much like he chose how tall to be and what kinds of food to like. Keith has one month to figure out who to love.
KEITH
That’s not that long for this kind of decision. How do I decide?
CENSUS
The same way you decide anything else. Weigh your options. Think about the pros and cons. Date some people and see who you like the most.
KEITH
But I’m not attracted to anybody.
CENSUS
And you won’t be until the decision is official, so you’ll have to look past that.
KEITH
Can I ask people for advice?
CENSUS
Of course! Anything you’d do for any of life’s other quandaries, you can naturally do for this.
KEITH
What did you choose?
CENSUS
Me? My choice is irrelevant.
KEITH
Please? I’m curious about what it is and why you chose it. It might help me make up my mind.
CENSUS
Which is the main reason why I can’t – and won’t – tell you. I cannot allow myself to sway you one way or another. The final decision must be up to you.
KEITH
But you said I could ask for advice.
CENSUS
And my advice to you is to ask someone else.
KEITH
All right, all right. I’ll ask around.
CENSUS
Good. Just don’t let yourself be pressured into a decision because someone else thinks it’s best for you. That’s just one more bit of advice.
KEITH
Thanks.
CENSUS
All right, then. I will be back in a month for your decision, although I may check in from time to time in case you don’t need the full month. Good luck and have a good night.
(He nods his head politely and exits. KEITH attempts to get a grip on what just happened)
KEITH
That was… surreal…
(He shakes his head and starts to exit. Halfway out, he gets confused about where he’s going, stops, looks around, and heads in the opposite direction. He again gets confused and stops. He looks around, tries to go in both directions at once, gets frustrated and ends up spinning in a circle. ROY enters and sees this)
ROY
Dude! Dude! Whoa!
(He stops KEITH)
How much have you had to drink?
KEITH
Sorry, just… got a lot on my mind.
ROY
Well, I’ve got something else for you to think about.
KEITH
That’s just what I need.
ROY
You’re right about that!
KEITH
Huh?
ROY
Heather’s waiting for you in the other room. She’s all yours, bud.
KEITH
What?
ROY
Don’t spend too much time thanking me. You don’t want to keep her waiting.
KEITH
She’s waiting for me to do what?
ROY
Pretty much anything you want.
KEITH
She said that?
ROY
No, not in so many words. But I could tell.
(Pushing him along)
Now get goin’!
KEITH
Really, I don’t know…
ROY
Don’t fuckin’ tell me you’re still thinking about it.
KEITH
Look, something really weird just happened.
ROY
What? Did Dick just kiss a girl?
KEITH
No, no… It’s… You see… Did you know there’s someone going around asking people to decide if they’re gay or straight?
ROY
What, at the party?
KEITH
Yeah.
ROY
You mean someone’s asking people if they’re gay, or asking to change their minds?
KEITH
No, he’s asking to make the choice in the first place.
ROY
Oh.
(Unimpressed)
Yeah. So?
KEITH
So, isn’t that weird?
ROY
No. Except maybe it’s a little weird that anyone here would need to make the choice. This ain’t no kiddie party. Why? Should it be weird?
KEITH
Yeah! Wait, how long have you known about this?
ROY
You just told me, dipshit.
KEITH
No, I mean in general. How long have you known about these people who go around asking about… you know…?
ROY
Forever! Shit, dude, what’s wrong with you?
KEITH
When did you make your choice?
ROY
When I was twelve.
KEITH
Twelve?
ROY
Yeah. Is this why you’ve been acting like this? Because you wanted to tell me shit everybody already knows?
KEITH
You’ve known since you were twelve?
ROY
No, I knew about it before then. I made my decision when I was twelve.
KEITH
But how did you decide? How did you know?
ROY
My dad told me.
